We Are What We Dream

Dreams are successions of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that occur involuntarily in the mind during the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of sleep.

In my opinion, many dreams contain messages that teach us something about ourselves. However for most of us, as soon as we wake up we are unable to recall what we dreamt.

Although this hasn't been the case for me lately. Despite not getting much sleep, I still manage to dream and I've remembered what I've dreamt about. I've managed to have the same dream for 5 consecutive nights. They're nightmares and once I wake up, I'm unable to go to sleep. Is message in my recurring dreams so important and/or powerful that it refuses to go away? The frequency of such dreams has forced me to pay attention and confront the dream. So what is this recurring dream I have you may be asking yourselves. It all centers around my late mother. The dream starts off with the city streets abandoned and I'm with my mother in our house I look out the window and see zombies. It is safe to assume that we are in a zombie appocalyptic world. I tell my mother not to switch on any lights and make loud noises as that would attract their attention. But we then soon run out of food. Since she isn't well, It's up to me to gather supplies from the nearby ASDA. I tell my mother not to worry and won't be gone for too long. Having finally gotten to ASDA, it is filled with zombies so I quickly grab what I can and head off. Once I get outside my mum's house, they've managed to get through the window and the light is on. My mother has died and there is nothing I can do about it. I run away trying to find another safe place. Once I find one, I usually wake up.

The weird thing is, I had this recurring dream before my mother passed away but now the frequency of getting it is higher. In reality, I left my mother on the day she left for hospital to play football. When she needed me the most, I let her down for my own selfish needs. I can't forgive myself. I just can't and now find myself crying as I write this. I've read that recurring dreams are quite common and are often triggered by a certain life situation, transitional phase in life or a problem that keeps coming back again and again. Such dreams may be highlighting a personal weakness, fear, or your inability to cope with something in your life; past or present. The last 5 months without her have been difficult. It's just me on my own now with no family left. I know that I'm unable to cope with her and she knew this herself yet death is something that will eventually come to us all whether we like it or not. We are not immortal but we act as we are.

My other dreams have also left me something to remember. Another recurring dream I get is one where I am 5 years old and holding my mother's hand walking down Cowbridge Road, Canton, Cardiff near Castle Bingo or where the old Sommerfields supermarket used to be. It has changed throughout the years from a Hyper-Value to present day Home Bargains. I look up at her as she's talking to someone and then looks down at me and smiles making me hold her hand tighter. That is the end and I wake up.

A few days ago, I had dream like none other. I was my 5 year old self again and being held in my mother's arms with my head on her shoulders. It felt so real as if she was really there. I was extremely happy. She told me that everything will be ok. I didn't want this dream to end. I wanted to stay in this world. The world that I wake up to is hell. I'd rather be where she is now then continue with my current meaningless existence. Fine, I am surviving by being homeless but how long can I live like this? I know myself that I can't continue living like this.

One dream that shook me up was that I was on some rollercoaster and as with all rollercoasters, it went up and down at extreme speeds. Was my mind telling me that in life, there are ups and downs? But I knew this anyway so why was I reminded of this. I don't know.  

Last night, I had a dream that I saw an old friend of mine, my best friend from infant school. He came over and shook my hand offering his condolences while I sat there on the ground in a busy street. My beard has grown quite long along with my hair and my clothes were filthy. I started to cry as he was talking to me. I could hear a song being played on the piano, a beautiful piece that I know but as of this moment, I can't remember the name. Strange thing is that when I woke up, I had tears down my face. I should do some research into this. 

Who knows what I'll dream of tonight. I may not even get some good sleep.